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  1. #1
    sojustask's Avatar
    sojustask is offline The Late, Great Lady Mod - Retired User Rank
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    Had to share this joke

    Because it cracked me up.

    ************************

    Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

    Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

    As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

    Then I made the most difficult call of all. “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

    There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

    Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

    Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”



    :yelcutelaughA:



  2. #2
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    Re: Had to share this joke

    This is something to think about when negative people
    are doing their best to rain on your parade.
    So remember this story the next time
    someone who knows nothing,
    and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled
    for a trip to Rome with her husband.
    She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
    who responded:

    "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
    It's crowded and dirty.
    You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
    Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
    late.

    So, where are you staying in Rome?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
    Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place.
    Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive,
    but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!
    The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

    So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
    "You and a million other people trying to see him.
    He'll look the size of an ant.
    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
    The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman,
    "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,
    but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
    The food and wine were wonderful,
    and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward
    who waited on me hand and foot.

    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
    and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
    They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized
    and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
    but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
    a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,
    and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors,
    and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait,
    the Pope would personally greet me.
    Sure enough, five minutes later,
    the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
    I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"

    He said:

    "Where'd you get the shizty Hairdo?
    The cynic is one who never sees a good quality in a man, and never fails to see a bad one

  3. #3
    sojustask's Avatar
    sojustask is offline The Late, Great Lady Mod - Retired User Rank
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    Re: Had to share this joke

    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

    Father asks his son what he did that day.
    Son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

    Son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
    Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"

    Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
    Son says, " OK, OK we were watching pornos."

    Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what pornos were!"
    The robot slaps the dad.

    Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"
    The robot slaps the mom.

  4. #4
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    Re: Had to share this joke

    Quote Originally Posted by sojustask View Post
    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

    Father asks his son what he did that day.
    Son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

    Son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
    Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"

    Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
    Son says, " OK, OK we were watching pornos."

    Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what pornos were!"
    The robot slaps the dad.

    Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"
    The robot slaps the mom.
    :yelcutelaughA::yelcutelaughA:
    "Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it. Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held. Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books. Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin. Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true."

  5. #5
    sojustask's Avatar
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    Re: Had to share this joke

    WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS:



    1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

    "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."



    2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

    "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."



    3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:

    "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

    Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."



    4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

    "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."



    5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."



    6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :

    "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

    (Now that is beautiful)



    7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

    "You guys line up alphabetically by height.."

    And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."



    8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

    "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."



    9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

    "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."



    10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

    "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."



    11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

    "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

    (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)



    12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

    "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

    He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"



    13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

    "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."



    14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

    "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."



    15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,

    Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

  6. #6
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    Re: Had to share this joke

    Abraham Lincoln
    Was elected to congress in 1846.
    John F. Kennedy
    Was elected to congress in 1946.

    A.L. was elected president in 1860.
    J.F.K. was elected president in 1960.
    The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
    Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
    Both wives lost thier children while living in the White House.
    Both presidents were shot on a Friday.
    Both were shot in the head.
    Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
    Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
    Both were assassinated by Southerners.
    Both were succeeded by Southerners.
    Both successors were named Johnson.
    Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln was born in 1808.
    Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908.
    John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
    Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
    Both assassins were known by their three names.
    Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
    Booth ran from a theatre and and was caught in a warehouse.
    Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
    Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
    And here's the kicker,
    A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
    A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
    "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
    -Hunter S. Thompson

  7. #7
    sojustask's Avatar
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    Re: Had to share this joke

    Getting to be close to that time, so here you go.....

  8. #8
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    Re: Had to share this joke

    A guy goes out and buys a rifle to go bear hunting.

    He gets to the mountains and sees a huge grizzly feeding a ways off.
    He takes careful aim and fires. He runs down to the place where the bear was, only to find that the bear has left.

    He looks and looks, but finds no bear.
    Suddenly, someone taps him on the shoulder. He turns to find this huge grizzly sternly looking down into his eyes.

    "What the hell's wrong with you?" the angry animal spouts.
    "You almost killed me! You hunters are always disturbing us animals with your 'manly' ways!"

    Then the bear takes the hunter and bends him over a log.
    "This will teach you!" And the huge grizzly has his way with the poor hunter.

    The hunter goes back into town, hurt and sore from the attack.
    "I'm going to get a bigger gun! Yeah, thats exactly what I need to get that bear!"

    So the hunter buys a much bigger gun and heads back to the mountain.

    He spots the same grizzly feeding again, and he sights it in carefully and fires.
    A huge explosion erupts as the really big rifle goes off.

    After the smoke and dust settles the hunter goes over to where the bear was and finds nothing again.
    Just then he feels a tap on his shoulder.

    He turns to find the huge grizzly again standing and starring down with a terrible angry look.
    "You hunters just don't get it, do you?" he spoke.

    So once again, the bear bends the hunter over the log and again has his way with him.

    Now the hunter is really serious and wants to prove something to himself.
    "I"m going to need a much bigger gun!" he says to himself, so he goes to an army surplus store.

    He leaves with a rocket launcher and heads back out to the mountain.
    He spots the very same grizzly bear feeding over by the very same log.
    He takes careful aim and again fires at the bear.

    The rocket launcher goes off with a huge blast!
    After the smoke clears he runs over to where he saw the bear feeding and looks frantically for the bear, or the pieces of him.

    Then, again, he feels someone tap him on his shoulder.
    The same bear is standing once more over him with this ferocious grin on his face.

    The huge grizzly starts to speak to the hunter once more.
    "You aren't really coming back here for the hunting....are you?" he asks.
    Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well. The extremely tiny fraction who think regularly, accurately, creatively, and without self-delusion- in the long run these are the only people who count... Robert Heinlein

  9. #9
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    Re: Had to share this joke

    This one's been posted before....but is worthy of a redo


    A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."



    wackawackawacka

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