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  1. #1
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    Are relationships actually pointless?

    Think about it.

    The vast majority of relationships never last, no matter the promises, and the plans. Something (insert reason), always comes along, and derails it. There then follows the inevitable shit that then goes along with that.

    Or those who are married/get married.

    Approx one in three end up divorced. Again, there are usually not one, but many reasons.

    As to the other two thirds - well I can tell you for a fact that a large % of them may be together, but they are not really for each other, emotionally, they are not in love with one another. Sometimes they remain together out of habit, or for the kids, that is a classic.

    Examples of two people meeting, and loving one another, for the rest of their lives, are rare.

    It always starts off okay, or very good, then, after a time, problems arise, and, eventually, those problems come on top, you break up, and further down the line, you go through the whole thing, all over again.

    What IS the purpose of that?

    Surely, at best, all it does is sort of fill for void, be that for a few months or even a few years? However, given the odds against this relationship being the exception, what use is there in either party giving all the usual platitudes etc, when, in reality, in a relatively short time, they will likely be moaning about that person to their friends?

    So, yeah, genuine question to all - if the ration of failure is SO high, and a third of marriages end in divorce, then isn't that telling us that our convential idea of relationships and marriage, is perhaps not working, and we need a radical rethink on how we have them?
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  2. #2

    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Well I guess that I can consider myself one of the very rare aned fortunate ones. After 30 years of marriage with out a fight or argument, we are looking forward to anothr 30 + years together.

    And yes it can and does happen.

  3. #3
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by Old Timer View Post
    Well I guess that I can consider myself one of the very rare aned fortunate ones. After 30 years of marriage with out a fight or argument, we are looking forward to anothr 30 + years together.

    And yes it can and does happen.
    I know mate, but I really think that statistically, you are the exception, rather than the rule, and I am happy for you, though.

    I appreciate it CAN happen, but, imo, the odds on most relationships lasting, let alone marriages remaining as happy as they ever were are low, therefore, a small number of exceptions to that is really not great, is it?

    So.

    Maybe what it would take would be a society which treats relationships in a totally different manner?
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  4. #4
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    This is a good topic.

    In the past marriage was done for Religious reasons. Many women did not work and their husbands were responsible for financially taking care of them and their children. It was not morally acceptable to live with a man without being married. It was not morally acceptable to sleep with a man without being married. And you certainly did not want to get pregnant and have a child without being married to the father. The child would be called names. Marriage is a commitment to be your spouse's partner for a life time. Tell death do us part. Through sickness and health. Wedding vows you know.

    Now in today's world things have changed some. But some of the things I have mentioned still hold true.

    Marriage is a commitment between two people. These two people need to make an agreement on what they want and expect out of the marriage. I would think most go into a marriage thinking it will last a life time. But then maybe some do not.
    I see nothing wrong with marriage as long as the two people involved understand what is expected from the marriage.
    True it may not last but neither will relationships without marriage. The commitment to share the belongings, finances and take care of the children should be there when the marriage or a relationship ends. If married at least some of these things are legally binding.
    Sometimes there are feelings of hate, anger and disappointment when ending a marriage but I still agree with marriage. If it only lasts a short time or forever would it not be worth the effort and chance of a happy life with someone you love? A commitment to be your spouses only lover and the father or mother of your children. Also financial security if one of you should die. Legal issues that are helped by being married.
    I am sure I will think of more to add to this. Lots to think about.

    Also when I was growing up girls were expected to get married and have a family.

    I had my daughter in 87 and I raised her to be independent and to take her time and meet lots and lots of people before making the decision to get married. I have stressed to her to be independent and choose and pick her friends wisely. I would not care at all if she just lived with someone and did not choose to marry.
    I think people look at marriage differently today then in years past.
    Last edited by Tulip; 03-19-2010 at 04:26 PM.

  5. #5
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    I appreciate that it takes commitment, of course, be that a marriage, or even a relationship.

    However, even when there is commitment, sometimes life just changes things, and with that change goes the commitment, so, really, commitment from another person is really an illusion, imo, given that it can evaporate, one way or the other at any time, or the unhappily married couple who believe they are commited(sic), 'since we have been married 25 yrs'. Jeez - what sort of boast is that? That is not life, that is not love, that is a rut.

    I often wonder if even the most well intentioned people screw up in relationships, and it all goes wrong, because we are perhaps not designed to be with just one person, for such long periods of time? Perhaps, given our complex nature, most relationships might have a two year shelf life, then start to go wrong, for example? Maybe a lot of marriages go utterly stale, because it is not healthy to be with one person, for so many years (if you are like OT, then it is fine!).

    Perhaps all relationships have a sort of glass ceiling in which they hit - and once they do, it goes wrong, it ends, you meet the next person, think they are great, and it goes wrong, for some other reason...

    I hear a lot of that from mates, relationship GRIEF, and I have had it myself, therefore, the key word is 'grief', if it ends in doom and grief (as it is likely to), then why put yourself through it?
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  6. #6
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yeah Well Fine Then View Post
    I appreciate that it takes commitment, of course, be that a marriage, or even a relationship.

    However, even when there is commitment, sometimes life just changes things, and with that change goes the commitment, so, really, commitment from another person is really an illusion, imo, given that it can evaporate, one way or the other at any time, or the unhappily married couple who believe they are commited(sic), 'since we have been married 25 yrs'. Jeez - what sort of boast is that? That is not life, that is not love, that is a rut.

    I often wonder if even the most well intentioned people screw up in relationships, and it all goes wrong, because we are perhaps not designed to be with just one person, for such long periods of time? Perhaps, given our complex nature, most relationships might have a two year shelf life, then start to go wrong, for example? Maybe a lot of marriages go utterly stale, because it is not healthy to be with one person, for so many years (if you are like OT, then it is fine!).

    Perhaps all relationships have a sort of glass ceiling in which they hit - and once they do, it goes wrong, it ends, you meet the next person, think they are great, and it goes wrong, for some other reason...

    I hear a lot of that from mates, relationship GRIEF, and I have had it myself, therefore, the key word is 'grief', if it ends in doom and grief (as it is likely to), then why put yourself through it?
    Well Steve I also have experienced everything you just said. What a heartbreak I went through when my first marriage failed. After the failed marriage I was single for many years.

    I personally think love is a wonderful thing. It is so true someone can say they love you and commit to a relationship and then it fails. I just look at it as that's the way it is but worth the risk.

    You have to let go of the hurt and bitterness a failed marriage or relationship brings and try again.
    It's a big big world with lots of people. Someone will be the right lover or person that will bring you happiness for a while or lifetime. It's all in the way you look at it and approach it.
    Last edited by Tulip; 03-19-2010 at 04:56 PM.

  7. #7

    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tulip View Post
    Well Steve I also have experienced everything you just said. What a heartbreak I went through when my first marriage failed. After the failed marriage I was single for many years.

    I personally think love is a wonderful thing. It is so true someone can say they love you and commit to a relationship and then it fails. I just look at it as that's the way it is but worth the risk.

    You have to let go of the hurt and bitterness a failed marriage or relationship brings and try again.
    It's a big big world with lots of people. Someone will be the right lover or person that will bring you happiness for a while or lifetime. It's all in the way you look at it and approach it.
    It does not matter what kind of relationship you have with someone. You are only going to get out of it what you put into it.

    Like the old saying goes, garbage in---garbage out. And yes it does indeed take two to tango and make it happen.

  8. #8
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by Old Timer View Post
    It does not matter what kind of relationship you have with someone. You are only going to get out of it what you put into it.

    Like the old saying goes, garbage in---garbage out. And yes it does indeed take two to tango and make it happen.
    That is the way I look at it. It takes work. It does not just happen that everything is rosie. I certainly have had my share of failed relationships.

    In my first marriage we were just to immature to work at keeping it together.

    You have to pick and choose and then make it work. Maybe it takes a bit of luck to find the other person who is going to work as hard as you at making a good marriage. Or maybe it is your expectations that are not being meant and you have to regroup to make it work. But for sure it has to be both of you that make it work or someone or both of you are going to be unhappy. I would not stay in an unhappy marriage. I would not stay in an unhappy relationship. It is a big world full of lots of people to meet.

  9. #9
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tulip View Post
    Well Steve I also have experienced everything you just said. What a heartbreak I went through when my first marriage failed. After the failed marriage I was single for many years.

    I personally think love is a wonderful thing. It is so true someone can say they love you and commit to a relationship and then it fails. I just look at it as that's the way it is but worth the risk.

    You have to let go of the hurt and bitterness a failed marriage or relationship brings and try again.
    It's a big big world with lots of people. Someone will be the right lover or person that will bring you happiness for a while or lifetime. It's all in the way you look at it and approach it.
    To be honest, it is all about realism.

    Thinking of it logically, either I just cannot seem to get it right, in relationships, or I have been really unfortunate.

    Perhaps both.

    I have been married twice, once when I was only 19, and then, later on, in life. I would take the blame, by and large.

    I met a lass a couple of years ago, and, despite my best efforts, or intentions, it fails, just like all the rest, you see.

    On this occasion, the girl happened to have something that they call Borderline Personality Disorder.

    Not sure if you know of it, but I think it made a massive contribution to how things went wrong, so often.

    It is the lies they tell, sometimes they are so absurd you almost laugh, other times their lies can be pretty dangerous, and have potentially bad consequences. Either way, you find yourself always wondering what part of what they have told you is truth, and what is not.

    The manipulative behaviours are also typical.

    Sometimes this can happen in a way that it is little more than total betrayl of the person that loved them. For example, she went around trying to tell people that it was ME who was trying to convince her she was mentally ill, and trying to get her on meds, for sinister reasons. I could not figure out why some people changed around me, until that came out. It is, of course, a massive lie, and a shocker. She was on meds when I met her. Has been, off and on, all her life. Has seen mental health prof's since she was like 12.

    Therefore, this problem came along lONG before I came on the scene, and, as for her meds, all I advised her to do was not come off them all in one go, as I thought it could harm her. I suggested that she do it under guidance, so to go around saying that, well, what is that, if not betrayal?

    People always think to be betrayed is to be cheated on. Not true. I felt totally betrayed after finding that out, and totally cheated on.

    I had always tried my best to understand her problem, and keep her away from things that made it worse, and, in the end, that is what I got - a metaphorical knife in the back, so to speak. I appreciate that it was perhaps common with her condition, however, every health prof would still say that the person is responsible for their actions.

    Conclusion? It sort of gets tiresome, you spend X amount of time with someone, and, in the end, it is more than likely to go wrong, and, when it does, it is usually not nice.

    Maybe such things could be avoided if you were to see a person for only a few weeks, or a few times, then move on, and on...
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  10. #10
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Steve, heal and then try again.
    Don't give up because of what has happened.
    I certainly have been betrayed and in relationships that failed and really hurt.
    Just give yourself time and let go of the bad feelings.
    Be picky when you choose who you want to get acquainted with.
    Take your time, meet a variety of ladies and when it is right you will know.
    Like you know many people go through bad relationships but that does not mean you can not meet the right person and share a wonderful and rewarding relationship together. .
    Last edited by Tulip; 03-19-2010 at 06:12 PM.

  11. #11
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tulip View Post
    Steve, heal and then try again.
    Don't give up because of what has happened.
    I certainly have been betrayed and in relationships that failed and really hurt.
    Just give yourself time and let go of the bad feelings.
    Be picky when you choose who you want to get acquainted with.
    Take your time, meet a variety of ladies and when it is right you will know.
    Like you know many people go through bad relationships but that does not mean you can not meet the right person and share a wonderful and rewarding relationship together. .
    Yeah, I hear ya, but I think you get to a stage and you think 'know what, I don't even have the energy for this anymore'. Different ten years ago. Now, I just feel that you end up wasting years, when it might be nature's way of telling me that I should only see a person a few times, then move on. This way, you have the going out part, but you avoid real attachment, therefore, hassle, in the future.
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  12. #12
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Steve
    Maybe the right woman will come along and just grab your heart. You never know it may catch you by surprise.

  13. #13
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tulip View Post
    Steve
    Maybe the right woman will come along and just grab your heart. You never know it may catch you by surprise.
    It's happened before.

    It ends in mutual dissapointment.

    No exceptions.

    Like I say, perhaps it is time to face up to the fact that I do better alone, or perhaps I should have lots of short term relationships, then forget about them.

    It's not what I want, but we can't always have what we want, so we settle for what we can get.

    Steve
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  14. #14

    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yeah Well Fine Then View Post
    It's happened before.

    It ends in mutual dissapointment.

    No exceptions.

    Like I say, perhaps it is time to face up to the fact that I do better alone, or perhaps I should have lots of short term relationships, then forget about them.

    It's not what I want, but we can't always have what we want, so we settle for what we can get.

    Steve
    Steve, I can tell you from the experience of several bad relationships and a very bad marriage of 13 years, that I never once thought that I would have the type of relationship I have now. It taught me that no one knows what the future holds for us. What we feel and think today cay well change tomorrow.

    But no matter what comes your way, I really do wish you the best of luck in all you do.

    OT

  15. #15
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yeah Well Fine Then View Post
    Yeah, I hear ya, but I think you get to a stage and you think 'know what, I don't even have the energy for this anymore'. Different ten years ago. Now, I just feel that you end up wasting years, when it might be nature's way of telling me that I should only see a person a few times, then move on. This way, you have the going out part, but you avoid real attachment, therefore, hassle, in the future.
    Steve, I think that is "the new way" of relationships, however I would say it doesn't seem to make people any happier. I think part of the problem these days is lack of committement, we make it to easy to walk away over the first sign of trouble...but just my thought, not that Iam an expert

  16. #16
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    Re: Are relationships actually pointless?

    Quote Originally Posted by terry05_99 View Post
    Steve, I think that is "the new way" of relationships, however I would say it doesn't seem to make people any happier. I think part of the problem these days is lack of committement, we make it to easy to walk away over the first sign of trouble...but just my thought, not that Iam an expert
    Don't get me wrong, Terry, I am a very committed person, for the right person. For two years, I totally committed, trying to help my partner, who has BPD. My 'reward' for said commitment- it has messed with my physical health, and my emotional state. So, that is where commitment got me.

    Steve
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

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