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Thread: advice please?

  1. #1
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    advice please?

    I have a 20 yr old daughter, who means the world to me.

    Earlier this year, she was seeing this lad (wasn't much keen on him when I met him once, but you have to give people a chance), and after two months of going out with him, she got pregnant, unplanned.

    Abortion is not an option for her, so she decided to press ahead, and now she is six months pregnant, and doing well.

    Unsurprisingly, after a few weeks, he lost total interest.

    Now, that part, that I can accept. Don't get me wrong, I would sooner he was a man about it, and gave her some level of support, be that financial or otherwise. However, since he appears to be a little toerag, everyone is of the view that she is better off without him (including her), esp since she has good support around her.

    Now, last week, she bumps into one of his former friends, in town.

    I say 'former', because he has washed his hands of the boy, as he feels that he is disgusted by his behaviour.

    Which is fair enough.

    However, he then went on to tell my daughter that the fella she was seeing has a new g/f, and, wait for this .... has apparently made her pregnant too.

    Furthermore, he stated that he is no longer interested in my daughter's baby, because 'he has this one on the way', and what is more, he allegedly called her a 'fat ****' (as pregant people tend to get, you know, a bump).

    Now, nothing is going to get a reaction from me more than anyone messing my daughter around like that.

    So, last week, I sent a couple of lads to his door, to put a note through.

    The thust and tone of the note was, well, forceful, to say the least.

    It said that he is to stay away from her, now and in the future, and that if he crosses the line, then he might well lose the penis that he is so fond of.

    This actually cheered my daughter up, as it was actually quite funny, in some ways, what I had written.

    Here's the rub.

    Yesterday at around 4pm, her door went. She did not answer it, however, she saw three girls that she did not recognise, standing outside her door.

    She seems to have it in her mind, and she MIGHT be right, that one of them might be his new g/f, possibly with a couple of her friends.

    This places me in something of a position.

    This other girl, she is meant to be like a feral rat. Let me put it this way, the word is that she ended up in a hostel, after assaulting her own mother, by trying to bite her nose off.

    Now, while it may NOT have been these girls, on the other hand it might, and I cannot stand by and let anyone stress out a heavily pregnant girl.

    So, what do I do?

    It is not a police matter, as there is nothing really to go on. Not that I like involving police, anyway.

    I could gather a couple of lads, go back to his house, and do something when I got there. But what if these girls are totally unrelated to all of this, and it was just a coincidence?

    If I go there with a couple of lads, then I can see it getting really ugly, really quickly.

    On the other hand, if I do nothing, and something were to happen, I could never forgive myself, and the next time you heard from me, I would be doing ten years.

    Any sensible advice on how I should handle this now?

    Thanks

    Steve
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  2. #2
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    Re: advice please?

    Sorry to hear of the predicament.
    I think that time has a way of making most things seem less dramatic.

    I personally have thought about your situation (as described) and would think that as you live in the UK( CCTV capital) it may be worthwhile to place a system (dummy systems or not) at your daughters.
    People dont like to be filmed and made accountable, it will deter most people with poor intentions and is not a bad investment.
    If they come again a mobile/cell phone is also a powerful tool via the camera or video function, this can be used as powerfully as a weapon , as can the ring a friend /neighbour option.
    Personal alarms that make a ungodly noise are easy to find and focus attention on people in distress.

    I am not sure why you are reluctant to involve the police and will not delve, but they are there to protect the public and may have advice for you; as may social services in your country.
    Lastly, and I am aware this may draw some flack, but priests deal with type of thing daily, they may not be able to help directly, but they will be aware of every resource available in your locale and may have some good advice.

    I am assuming your daughter is against having a holiday at your place for a bit.

    Hope this helps.
    Last edited by consolidation; 11-03-2009 at 06:13 AM.

  3. #3
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    Re: advice please?

    A bit of a sticky situation there Steve... I don't blame you for wanting to look out for your daughter and grandchild.
    You may not want to involve the police, but have you thought about the court system? A restraining order (or your equivalent) might be appropriate here. If the boy or any of his named cohorts violate the order it's off to jail with them.

    Good luck and best wishes for your daughter and grandchild :)


    .

  4. #4
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    Re: advice please?

    Quote Originally Posted by consolidation View Post
    Sorry to hear of the predicament.
    I think that time has a way of making most things seem less dramatic.

    I personally have thought about your situation (as described) and would think that as you live in the UK( CCTV capital) it may be worthwhile to place a system (dummy systems or not) at your daughters.
    People dont like to be filmed and made accountable, it will deter most people with poor intentions and is not a bad investment.
    If they come again a mobile/cell phone is also a powerful tool via the camera or video function, this can be used as powerfully as a weapon , as can the ring a friend /neighbour option.
    Personal alarms that make a ungodly noise are easy to find and focus attention on people in distress.

    I am not sure why you are reluctant to involve the police and will not delve, but they are there to protect the public and may have advice for you; as may social services in your country.
    Lastly, and I am aware this may draw some flack, but priests deal with type of thing daily, they may not be able to help directly, but they will be aware of every resource available in your locale and may have some good advice.

    I am assuming your daughter is against having a holiday at your place for a bit.

    Hope this helps.
    Hi, C.

    1) Because, as things stand, I have nothing of any substance at all, to go to them with...

    and...

    2) Because my opening letter to him was, shall we say, 'forceful'.
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  5. #5
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    Re: advice please?

    Quote Originally Posted by PaulM View Post
    A bit of a sticky situation there Steve... I don't blame you for wanting to look out for your daughter and grandchild.
    You may not want to involve the police, but have you thought about the court system? A restraining order (or your equivalent) might be appropriate here. If the boy or any of his named cohorts violate the order it's off to jail with them.

    Good luck and best wishes for your daughter and grandchild :)


    .

    Thanks Paul,

    Thing is you cannot get one of them, unless there is evidence of harassment, and over a period of time.
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  6. #6
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    Re: advice please?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yeah Well Fine Then View Post
    Thanks Paul,

    Thing is you cannot get one of them, unless there is evidence of harassment, and over a period of time.
    RATS!!! Here I thought I had an idea. :(

    I know you'll do right by your daughter and her child... that's not my concern. You're to be commended for standing beside her.
    I just don't want to see you carried away by your emotions & find yourself on the wrong side of the law.

    If it were me, I'd keep a 'low profile'. Either move in with her or have her move in with you for her protection. This is a fight. Keep a good distance between you/her and him. Follow through with your daughters wishes, but have her consider legal action against him for support and validation of his surrendering all rights to the child. As an adult she is the one who has to bring the charges, not you (unless legal age there is 21). If she follows through remind her that she'll have to be stone cold about this (not angry) & not waver.
    You have to take a 'defensive position' lest the law back-fire on you. (besides, how can you spoil a grandchild if you're in jail)


    Just the simple act of you standing with your daughter means a lot to her I'm sure.

    .

  7. #7
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    Re: advice please?

    Quote Originally Posted by PaulM View Post
    RATS!!! Here I thought I had an idea. :(

    I know you'll do right by your daughter and her child... that's not my concern. You're to be commended for standing beside her.
    I just don't want to see you carried away by your emotions & find yourself on the wrong side of the law.

    If it were me, I'd keep a 'low profile'. Either move in with her or have her move in with you for her protection. This is a fight. Keep a good distance between you/her and him. Follow through with your daughters wishes, but have her consider legal action against him for support and validation of his surrendering all rights to the child. As an adult she is the one who has to bring the charges, not you (unless legal age there is 21). If she follows through remind her that she'll have to be stone cold about this (not angry) & not waver.
    You have to take a 'defensive position' lest the law back-fire on you. (besides, how can you spoil a grandchild if you're in jail)


    Just the simple act of you standing with your daughter means a lot to her I'm sure.

    .
    It does, Paul.

    And you are right, I have to avoid placing myself in a situation in which I might do something that is OTT. I am her dad AND I can be a little firey, if my chain is choked, so good advice, man.
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  8. #8
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    Re: advice please?

    He cannot have nothing to do with your daughters baby , she needs to go after him (through the courts) for child support as should any other girls he claims he has children with.

    And you need to stop sending lads to his house because he can have you arrested for harrasment.
    Originally posted by Americanadian
    Palin: Omit the "i" and you're left with "Pain".

  9. #9
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    Re: advice please?

    Quote Originally Posted by franKg View Post
    He cannot have nothing to do with your daughters baby , she needs to go after him (through the courts) for child support as should any other girls he claims he has children with.

    And you need to stop sending lads to his house because he can have you arrested for harrasment.

    I know, Frank.

    However, it was my immediate reaction, right or wrong.
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  10. #10
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    Re: advice please?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yeah Well Fine Then View Post
    Hi, C.

    1) Because, as things stand, I have nothing of any substance at all, to go to them with...

    and...

    2) Because my opening letter to him was, shall we say, 'forceful'.
    I have emailed my brother-in -law , he has his "gowns" in Edinburgh Scotland for advice and only used a hypothetical without names.
    I have also asked some of my seminary and medical friends in Scotland for their advice. Doctors are taught about domestic violence and reporting here but I am not sure about the laws in Scotland.
    I am hoping some definative guidance will eventuate.

    My two pennies worth is still to be prepared to collect evidence that you can use and not to confront without a third party backing(ie police/court order/priest) as the man (for good or bad is the father of your grandchild) may mature one day and have a good and healthy relationship with your grandchild.
    At least that is what I hope for your grandchild.

    I will let you know their suggestions when they arrive.
    Last edited by consolidation; 11-03-2009 at 03:50 PM. Reason: spelling

  11. #11
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    Re: advice please?

    Harrassment is a sticky situation. You can not report it to the police unless the person who is harrassing, is told by you that they should not. I was recently in this situation, and found a satisfying solution (which was under the advisement of the police)

    You draft a letter known as a No Contact Notice.

    This notice should sound very legal and explicit. You mail it certified so it has to be signed for. You also give a copy to the police, and they will file it.

    If you are approached in any way...any form of communication...anything, then you have full grounds to file a formal report.

    But, the thing is, in the letter, it will say that you have been advised, and that the letter is on file at the police. This will stop it. And if it doesn't, then you have a legal route.

    If you would like a copy of mine...I will be happy to send you the format that the police gave me. It worked.
    Church of Doojie proud member

  12. #12
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    Re: advice please?

    Quote Originally Posted by consolidation View Post
    I have emailed my brother-in -law , he has his "gowns" in Edinburgh Scotland for advice and only used a hypothetical without names.
    I have also asked some of my seminary and medical friends in Scotland for their advice. Doctors are taught about domestic violence and reporting here but I am not sure about the laws in Scotland.
    I am hoping some definative guidance will eventuate.

    My two pennies worth is still to be prepared to collect evidence that you can use and not to confront without a third party backing(ie police/court order/priest) as the man (for good or bad is the father of your grandchild) may mature one day and have a good and healthy relationship with your grandchild.
    At least that is what I hope for your grandchild.

    I will let you know their suggestions when they arrive.
    That's great, Consolodation, mate, I appreciate your efforts.

    Steve
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  13. #13
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    Re: advice please?

    HEY!? why not put a copy of franks AVATAR up in the corner of your next note!? and if your gonna threaten somebody, be coy/clever about it!? put franks avatar with a note that says......wishing you well, i know you will do the right thing, etc......by the way, this is my 'stay in the same vane' reply!? :freak3: :spin2: :
    i do not endorse/recommend any advertising on scam.com associated with my name /posts or otherwise. thank you

  14. #14
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    Re: advice please?

    Can she move? If it were me, I'd move and not let them know where too, change my number, and hopefully that will be the end of it. If not, every time they show up I would at a minimum file a police report documenting the incident (since I'm not familiar with how your justice system works over there, I'm not sure you can do this, but here you can basically call and create a report just to document something).

    This way if it happens multiple times you have it documented and can get a restraining order if necessary.

  15. #15
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    Re: advice please?

    Hi, she's stayed over with her mum, the past couple of nights.

    I am going to go stay with her for a few nights, after that.

    I am sure it will be fine.

    Stevex
    Every Saint has a past, every sinner has a future..

  16. #16
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    Re: advice please?

    The advice i have recieved is that each incident is an seperate action and that whilst (as you know and admit) your initial action was les than desirable it will not influence anything.
    Best to be prepared and record or even just document things as they happen (even a diary is fine- witnesses are great if they are available) and hope this just blows over.
    If another approach is made document/record it and that will be your greatest ally and weapon.
    I know this has been offered previously and sorry I could not be of more assistance but without your seeking legal or police help it is really a non-incident at this stage.
    I wish you your daughter and grandchild a life of safety and happiness.
    Last post ever on Scam.com I think for me.
    Enjoy all!

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